Gwyneth Paltrow is a busy woman, between her internet business, mothering and being a celebrity. So.... I wanted to give her the one gift that money cannot buy- time.

        You see, between the recommended "cleanses", untested vitamin regimes involving copious amounts of pills and above all gynecological "empowerment" treatments that flagrantly ignore medical common sense, some woman using one or more of these will mostly likely die.

           The shock, scrutiny and perhaps even LONG OVERDUE investigation into her website goop will be very time consuming- so I have done her a favor and pre-written a statement for the woman who dies as a result of her insanity.

                 Here it is:

                                            Goop has always been an organic phenomenon, and has grown organically. Death is a natural part of the organic cycle and now goop has been a part of that. Blame and criticism has been placed on goop for the way in our (FILL IN THE BLANK- INSANE STARVATION DIET AND EXCESSIVE VITAMINS OR VAGINAL TREATMENT THAT IGNORES SCIENTIFIC WARNINGS) has coincided with the passing of a dynamic woman who was actively taking power over her own sexuality and wellness.

       While western psychology typically discusses 5 stages of handling death, ___________moved into another realm quickly, choosing a different path towards death acceptance. Many empowered women like Jessica Savitch, Patsy Cline and Karen Silkwood- choose instant passing so they too could bypass Kubler-Ross’s heavy-handed Western mores. Despite criticism, we at goop are proud our suggestion of FILL IN QUACK TREATMENT OR DIET allowed ________ to follow in an empowering tradition of quick passing.

             There are suggestions that goop is “branding” untested products and regimes in order to profit off women. Women can certainly choose to follow the advice of numerous medical scholars and do the work of truly researching for themselves, or they can allow accessible popular culture and all its’ associated psychological triggers to influence their decision. We salute ______________ for her choice. And why would goop look to financially gain from women when our founder has money not only from her father’s fantastically successful television career, her mother’s acting career, her own acting career,and her conscious uncoupling from an enormously successful recording artist? Certainly no one with all that pre-existing wealth would create a website that happens to offer extensive retail options as a profit-making venture.

                 When looking at ancient Eastern cultures, which goop tries to include, you will see many examples of psychological influence and social control. And when you look back on the history of Western Medicine, you will see goop readopting all of that as part of a self-determined pastiche of eastern and western mores to create an experience (that can be fully embraced with purchases.)

We, of course, hold the memory of _____________ in our hearts- her 27 years on this earth were certainly dynamic ones. We at goop are happy for her as she is now free from the heavy burden of avoiding toxins that the living must bear.