Art House Films: aka reap the benefit of my suffering....

I do not have nearly the intellectual discipline nor the broad mind that I aspire to have, but I do have somewhat of a dedication to art cinema. Thus I have sat through many, many, many standards of the art house canon and thus, with the ease of a Ronco invention, reading this blog for 10 minutes can save you HOURS and HOURS of fighting to keep your eyes open in dusty art house theaters with bad popcorn...

First let's start with Werner Herzog, an egomaniac who has made some great films but also some real sucky ones (and then he defends the sucky ones as if their suckiness was an artistic choice, [I'm referring to his response to the horrid remake of Ferrera's "Bad Lieutenant" with Nic Cage, when most directors do an Avi Lerner film they get paid and shut their mouths, NOT Herzog] )

I haven't seen all his movies, but I have seen "Aguirre, The Wrath of God".

Now this movie has a Popol Vuh score that is so the quintessence of Euro 70s and an opening that is cinematically stirring. However, after the incredible opening...the film does not measure up.

But you watch the best part here and save yourself the trouble of seeing the rest which is Klaus Kinski on the side of the river or on a raft having temper tantrums (both on camera and off), when he should have been paying his daughter Nastassia so that she would have had to compromise herself at 14 and 13 to build a career.

(By the way, because everyone knows the beginning is the best part, it was banned off youtube and I had to search 45 minutes for it...hope you are impressed)

AGUIRRE, THE WRATH OF GOD -- Beginning
Uploaded by vincentyeo. - Watch feature films and entire TV shows.

Now let's move on to Bergman. More even than Herzog, mostly brilliant work. A genius. A wide range of films, _Persona_ and _Fanny and Alexander_ are masterpieces, however as for _Wild Strawberries_ go try and pick them by the road side, it's less tedious and painful then watching that film. Then there is his Oscar winner of Best Foreign film back in the day _The Virgin Spring_...Well, it is a difficult film about a farm family's loss of a beautiful young daughter, but mostly I did not find it that stirring, mostly because I found it to be a bit overdramatic in the way Bergman can sometimes be... (here is a French and Saunders parody to illustrate my point on Bergman)

Oh and watch this for good measure...

And this one....

Okay I'll stop now but French and Saunders are BRILLIANT....

Getting back to _The Virgin Spring_, though the there is one scene that was above and beyond the rest. In this scene, three wandering vagrants who happen to ask for the hospitality of a family who's daughter is missing...little do the family know the vagrants are the reason the daughter is missing. However, the vagrants are carrying with them their own little boy. Here is a scene between the Grandfather of the farm family and the abused little boy belonging to the vagrants... (starts around 4:30 in the clip)

Now let's get to Michelangelo Antonioni. I have watched all three parts of the "informal trilogy" which goes something like La Notte, L'Eclisse and L'Avventura. Or actually it's L'Avventura, La Notte and L'Eclisse. Now unlike say The Star Wars Trilogy which has a clear beginning middle and end, the Antonioni "informal" trilogy deals with such plot-driven themes as how rich italian people are effected now that they live in post ww2 condo complexes and not in town.

For instance, since they are far from center of town...they have to stay at home for fun and do this...(from L'Eclisse)

Also we see how disaffected she is by seeing her mother on the stock market floor (which Antonioni's argument is that the post war conditions made people more cold and greedy, but I would argue people have always been cold and greedy on the stock market floor....

But mostly Monica Vitti just gets overwhelmed by bad modern architecture....

And then there's the shots of the forebodingness of sprinklerheads watering things and streetlights...

Now apparently this is all supposed to all supposed to be comment on the austerity of modern life...and thanks to this film waiting for the bus will never be the same again.

In La Notte, Jeanne Moreau and Marcello Mastroianni play a couple who aren't gonna make it...and they go to a party together, hence La Notte...

Here's Ms. Moreau at the party...playing chess with herself on a giant board while Marcello watches (not to be confused with the scene in "Big" where Tom Hanks and Robert Loggia play on the giant step-on Piano in FAO Schwartz).

What is wonderful about this movie is that you get to Ms. Moreau in her prime, because later on, Ms. Moreau (way before Betty White) loved to play very dirty old ladies... and here she is in the apex of dirty old lady-ness (Blanche Devereaux, just put your pink hibicus pattern mumu back on, because you ain't got nuttin on Jeanne....(by the way, I also endured _Querelle_ for you, where's my big f***ing "Thank You"?)

In my opinion, L'avventura has the most stirring plot, about a woman, Claudia, again Ms. Vitti, who loses her wealthy friend and searches for her with the friend's boyfriend (Sandro) finally falling for him (who is a spoiled failed architect, which with all the ugly buildings in Italy that Antonioni films apparently being a crappy architect in Italy is big business)...

Now Claudia and Sandro's search for the missing is the most focused, dedicated search I've seen since OJ went searching for the REAL killers of Ron and Nicole on Palm Beach golf courses.

Here are Ms. Vitti and Sandro getting a bit sidetracked during search day #....

Nobody does composition like Antonioni, there are moments where the films are so beautiful you will never see anything better...but then I spend half the time bored out of my gourd waiting for these moments...inner dialogue goes something like this. "I'll just shut this off...what's my check book balance?...I wonder if I talked less at practice if I would be more popular on my swim team, maybe if I smiled more, I'm too socially awkward...Maybe I should just reduce this window and watch 'Poker Face'....Oh my god, that's so beautiful!"

In the end, there are people I know who are genuinely entertained by these films. People like Jane who was in my UC junior year in Lyon, France, Jane, a brilliant student, was already fluent in French when she arrived and now has a PhD from Penn in comparative, comparative something or other literature, not sure, but requires knowing at least two languages and reading a lot of things...

Jane and I went to see _La Dolce Vita_, and while I was trying to stay awake during the chicken feather pillow fight, Jane was heartbroken by the larger implications. When we left the film she said "When he stared at the girl at the end, it was like, oh he'll probably fuck up her life too." I remember she said it with a mix of rage, sadness and sarcasm that I envied. I thought "Well I saw that, so now we can go and get steak frites."

Here is the ending...ask Jane if you have questions...

I did cry watching something in France, but that was during the series finale of _the Nanny_ on M6 (the trashy French TV station). I mean, I cried because also because it was so pathetic that I watched the Nanny every night and I was actually engaged by this, but that's another story.

Now another French film I tried to watch TWICE on the big screen was _Alphaville_ (not the band who sang "Forever Young") but both in France and at the Godard revival at the Cinematheque, J'ai dort....

The problem with _Alphaville, the strange adventure of Lemmy Caution_ was that it was supposed to be Paris far in the future but when he checked into the hotel, the hotel reminded me of this hotel where my mom and i stayed and the room was cramped and their was a parrot downstairs named johnnie and I still remember a tiny piece of hard boiled egg yolk in the corner of the lobby room next to Johnnie's cage and it just kinda still grosses me out. And then every parking garage and street scene reminded me of something else tired, dirty and ghetto in France. Thus, the problem with _Alphaville_ as far as set decor vis a vis suspension of disbelief is that since all those 60s buildings in Paris haven't changed, when you look at them in the movie it just takes your mind to bad Paris neighborhoods with all that bad socialist architecture like the kind Obama will put everywhere if Republicans don't save us in November.

Now, I have a Godard Gold Card and this is because I have attempted to sit through his "Histoires du Cinema" a totally incoherent thing he made for French TV. Now before you think this is just me talking to fill space on this page...Let me explain, the FRENCH walked out of "Histoires du Cinema" and you must understand the FRENCH don't walk out of ANYTHING.

I walked out when Godard was filming his teenage daughter doing a tribute to like Joan Crawford or Greta Garbo or Marlena Dietrich by performing a stupid monologue that I thin was supposed to an amalgamation of their legacy but was really her standing in regular clothes in front of their nonperishables shelf in the kitchen...I kid you not, it was her and behind her you could see a wooden Ikea shelf with jam and nutella and chicory and whathaveyou...

I couldn't find the pantry soliloquy but here is a clip that might explain why (and even the full-blooded Gauls) walked out (and watched _The Nanny_ instead)

In my final time saving lesson of films no one else should ever have to sit through (unless you are way smarter than moi) is "Celine and Julie Go Boating" now Anthony Lane, a _New Yorker_ film critic referenced "Celine and Julie Go Boating" when reviewing the film "Jack Goes Boating" and said the following...

Philip Seymour Hoffman has...turned to directing, his debut "Jack Goes Boating" no relation, sadly to "Celine and Julie Go Boating" Jacques Rivette's exhilaratingly tall tale of 1974...

When I read Anthony Lane's words, I was stunned, for it caused my pulse to rise way higher than during the entire 3 HOURS and 13 MINUTES of "Celine and Julie Go Boating"

"Celine and Julie Go Boating" is about two flighty French girls who are flighty in that way that the French cherish as a sort of unique annoyingness that makes them special. Celine and Julie have putative little cutsie poo performance jobs and meander around their apartment, and frankly watching them do nothing is probably what all those Tea Party people watched to get them so scared of socialism...because unemployment runs out on even the flakiest of people (I've seen it happen) but these two are past where the buses run. They need to stop living off our Taxed Enough Already Money and get a bloody real job.

The movie is about their silly little games, but also about the house they visit where they both see a past event that happened there and then de and re construct it. Now apparently watching them delve into their imaginations in this house via these cheesy recreations is a moment of cinema so "exhilarating" that Anthony Lane, a famous critic is spellbound, but I endured the whole thing and found nothing but some girls who thought they were too cute for their own good...

So here is a little insight into the evenings where I watched something to expand my mind and wished I had stayed home and listened to trash music...

So now you can read my blog and just go straight to the Stacey Q. Here she is as part of the not-so-informal trilogy of episodes where she played pop star "Cinnamon" on _The Facts of Life_. Monica Vitti just can't quite compare...

...The Prada Spring collection

Truly I was not influenced by 14-year-old Tavi...http://www.thestylerookie.com to write this blog entry, but rather I was just on nytimes.com and below the headlines of "the country is going to hell in a handcart" and "Everyone now hates Obama" was the innocuous little headline "Prada Spring Collection." So I decided to see what was going on with those not hurting in this economy, i.e. Miuccia Prada and the people who can (still) afford her overpriced clothes and bags.

What is saw was scarier that that Meg Whitman ad where she says welfare reform will save 1billion dollars to be used for the UCs. We're talking some super ugly clothes kids...

Let's look.

Now before we get into the clothes, let's talk about the models...

ll the models look like the love child of Charlotte Rampling and Walt Disney's rendering of Ichabod Crane...

Now let' s talk about the clothing.

Let's start with our 'foundation' of basic looks. We offer a choice of highway cone, fake xmas tree and hospital janitor.

Notice that despite this being a spring collection (different than resort collection, apparently there are clothes that can ONLY be worn while being in a hotel or on a cruise ship).

But anyway, despite the fact it is spring, most models carry a jacket that is lined with same keepwarm icky polyester fleece that swimmers wear over their wet bodies in between races.

Also the shoes put the C (and the K for that matter) in CLUNKY.

Now let's look at patterns (aka "I'm walkin' in the spider web, so leave a message and I'll call you back)

Yes. Web-like shiny vinyl rococo detailing makes ugly stripes even more unflattering.

And then there's the monkeys...

Oh look 60s Italian shower curtain made into dress, night vision goggles not included....

And then Bananas....arms straight from a polyester leisure shirt...and polyester banana skirt! It's Dollar General couture!

Just when you think it couldn't get any worse...

And a cute little outfit. If I saw this in Benetton for 350 smackers I would love it...But how about 1-2k at the Prada store, not so much....

View the full collection here:

http://www.nytimes.com/packages/html/style/fashionweek/runway.html#spring_2011_prada

The 405 expansion: Highway of Death.

California is broke, the United States is broke.

But yet, like poor Judy Garland, who (according to an old queen I once met at a dinner) had to be shot up with speed to get her on the stage, the show must go on...

Thus we have the lovely 405 expansion. LA needs public transportation, we need a real subway line, not that stupid thing that takes you from North Hollywood to Hollywood to Downtown and I think there's another couple of lines that do their best to connect low income areas to the city while carefully avoiding all the rich areas.

The SF BART is a fantastic system vis a vis LA's subway but when comparing a full map of the bay area with a full map of the BART you will notice that the Peninsula (an area where the house they used on Dynasty is located and other real, real richie things are) and Marin County...which I believe for many years was the highest income per capita area of the country....are both NOT accessible by BART...by the way it took 40 years or so for the BART to get to SFO...which is still many miles away from Krystle and Alexis in the fish pond.

(see maps below)

Anyway, I digress, but that is probably why the few and the proud follow my blog...So there will be no real transportation in those areas that house the rich. And the 405 goes right through so many of those areas.

Thus rather than building a Sepulveda Pass subway of some sort that could connect to the North Hollywood subway (but it would have maybe even go through BEVERLY HILLS to do so, as Aretha Franklin once said, "ain't no way"), they are widening the "4 or 5" to accomodate the millions of people who are stuck on it every day...

Here is the official list of the exciting improvements to the 405 from the metro website...

The I-405 Sepulveda Pass Improvements Project will add a 10-mile HOV lane and improve supporting infrastructure such as ramps, bridges and sound walls on the San Diego Fwy. (I-405); while widening lanes from the Santa Monica Fwy. (I-10) to the Ventura Fwy. (US-101).

This project will reduce existing and forecasted traffic congestion on the I-405 and enhance traffic operations by adding freeway capacity in an area that experiences heavy congestion. In addition to these modifications, the project will improve both existing and future mobility and enhance safety throughout the corridor.

Project benefits include a decrease in commuter time, reduction in air pollution, and promotion of ridesharing.

The I-405 Sepulveda Pass Improvements Project will:

• Add a 10-mile HOV lane on the northbound I-405 between the I-10 and US-101 Freeways
  
  
• Remove and replace the Skirball Center Dr, Sunset Bl and Mulholland Dr bridges
  
  
• Realign 27 on and off-ramps
  
  
• Widen 13 existing underpasses and structures
  
  
• Construct approximately 18 miles of retaining wall and sound wall
  

If you read through what they are doing in this huge project, you can sum it up in two sentence fragments...adding some new walls and putting in a lane so Prius drivers can zip past everyone else in old cars.

For starters, an expansion of the 405 is a helpful remedy for LAs gianormous transportation problem on the part of the city/state government in the same way that handing an out of control teenager money to placate them is a helpful remedy of a bad parent. It's painful to watch and it really is only going to make things worse not better, and plus it's a sad waste of resources and money that could be much better spent building a subway.

As Jill Scott would ask "is it the way...?" well yes it is. And the way they are expanding the 405 really sucks. First off, the 405 is so impacted that there really is no good time for them to do the construction. I go northbound on the 405 at 6:45AM...so short of being there at 5:45AM, i'm really on it at a low traffic time going against the commute...of course it's still backed up in portions. Now part of the reason I believe it is backed up is because there is all this construction stuff hanging about along the side of the freeway like decorative accents on a Sandra Lee tablescape. But this is not the crux of the problem.

The crux of the problem is there is NO room to expand the 405. Thus to my eyes they have

devised all sorts of little "shortcuts" that allow for this room (it doesn't). The foremost shortcut is to eliminate the shoulder between the freeway divider and the lane. Well, I got into that shoulderless lane (the farthest/fastest lane) and it was one of the scariest experiences of my life. One is going 70 MPH and one side are the other cars speeding past you (in my opinion they have trimmed down the space between lanes as well) but then there is no wiggle room between you and the cement divider. Since people drive like idiots now more than ever...one needs wiggle room. Trust me, my Honda Civic is complements of the 22 year old who drove into my car while I was driving through a stale green light.

The whole project feels like some late 70s post apocalyptic film where James Caan or James Brolin stars, the production designer places futuristic fiberglass bodies on Datsun chassis and the tagline is Los Angeles, 2010: no police, no government, but justice is found on the DEATH PASS.

Also in addition to having NO space between the The 405 is now on the way to having NO PULL OFF LANE (or whatever it is called where you can pull your car over when it dies or there is a collision, etc)...Now if you want to CREATE traffic problems, make sure there is no side lane.

I was on the 101 between Hollywood and Downtown a few Saturdays ago at 11:00pm...traffic was at a standstill. Why? Because two cars were trapped ON THE FREEWAY as there was no where for them to pull over.

Now, I am probably wrong (hopefully) but it seems they getting rid of the pullover lane on the 405...so while they excavate the mountain away, they will have done it all for naught, because once a car stalls in the lane (or gets into an accident by running into the dividing rail due to lack of shoulder) traffic will be as bad as it had been 700 million dollars earlier.

So in conclusion, we learn that no real changes will be made, no trains, no monorails, no nuttin that we really need, but the Sepulveda pass will be bulldozed away in order to make room for another lane that we don't need. But remember if things get bad enough which they will , traffic will lighten up because people will move to Portland where they have light rail or they will just have their cars repossessed, then the 405 will as empty as an Edward Hopper painting.

And here is what is covered by BART:

Notice what is missing. Well The Peninsula (that would be the area a bit below SF where the rich people live)

oh and North Bay/Marin County (that's the area right above SF where other rich people live)

...The "Oh so black" cooking shows on the Food Network

I was going to start this essay by describing the black people that I know, but then I realized that when straight people talk to me about the gay people they know I want to stick needles in my eyes...so let's assume that I am a person who is progressive about race issues because this essay is not about my personal thoughts on race.

This essay is a little observation that perhaps the Food Network could calm their black targeting.

The funny thing is that I started getting irritated with the title of Sunny Anderson's cooking show "Cooking for Real" (you see to me, this is just a coded way of saying "Cooking for Black People") as if the other shows weren't "for real," and honestly most of them are not, Barefoot Contessa and Bobby Flay's food= too expensive, Paula Deen = too much fat, tiny, tiny Giada clearly never eats the expensive fat laden italian food she makes (also too much fat), Rachel Ray = mediocre, Sandra Lee=A-whole-nother class of terrible. Sunny is pleasant, her food seems good, she offers alternatives that are readily available outside of Zabars/Dean and Deluca/Whole Foods, so really I think she should call her show: the only decent cooking show on this afternoon.

But, and maybe this is my racism talking, "Cooking for Real" is an implication that somehow the other shows weren't meant for you, that was fake cooking, cooking for other people. Again the ironic thing is that the other shows ARE fake cooking, but you don't have to be black to feel that way, you just have to a. not have tons of money to spend on food b. not want to be rolled out of your kitchen in a wheelbarrow c. actually want to perhaps consume vitamins and fiber.

The ironic thing (or thaaang) is that Sunny, who's status as the Hip Hop caterer is mentioned in her Food Network bio, is much less shall we say, marked in her soulfood orientation then the other black hosts on food network The Neelys "Down Home with the Neelys" and Aaron McCargo, Jr "Big Daddy's House."

"Soul Food" is part of a great culinary tradition and it is wonderful to celebrate African-American food culture and perspectives as part of the network, but I just feel that every time I see a promo for the Neelys sandwiched into the other programming on food network, I feel as if I am watching Hattie McDaniel in "Gone with the Wind."

I turn on the TV and see so many images of black people that seem targeted to very narrow perspective of black people, and the reason why I am over it is not because I have a problem with the culture or want to see it "toned down" but rather and please tell me if I am being racist, I simply think it is reductive to black people. Now perhaps I am saying that they should "act white" and don't realize it...but why the fuck can't it just be someone smart who knows how to cook who happens to be black. I know some black people who can cook, but in some crazy soul food only way, they are just good cooks.

Gen. McChrystal

Okay, so after hearing the name McChrystal over and over again on NPR I have this to say. The problem with actually listening to the news for an hour is the news assumes u will listen for 5 minutes and then turn right back to Jack 93.1 to hear "Feels like the First Time" by Foreigner for the 150,000th time (which is my usual course of action). Thus I had to hear the announcement that McChrystal was "let go" 20 times, and then each time I had to hear it presented like it was the first time they said it. I already have to pretend my mother isn't retelling me the same stories on the phone, so my patience in the repetition department is limited.

My overarching thought on this matter is that McChrystal's name is just so wrong. He should have changed it. Here is a man who could take down those three people who blew the buses down the street in Superman 2 and who skips breakfast and lunch WITHOUT having a slim fast, course I had a friend who did that and called it crash dieting...but anyway the point is he's disciplined and tougher than I or most anyone I know will ever be. But this name is just unpleasant on the ears.

Now when McChrystal was growing up, this name was probably fine. However, then the 80s happened and everyone went so Crystal, (Krystle, Krystal) crazy (krazy, crazeee.)

There was _The Dark Crystal_, Krystal Jennings Carrington (not to be confused with William Jennings Bryant [no relation]) and Crystal light.

The name implies shiny chandeliers, written-for-profit mystical children's entertainment, wine glasses and trampy blondes. This is no name for a General. I mean even Judy Benjamin had an army ready last name. What is even worse is the Mc infront of it. It sounds like a McDonald's menu item. Which now they can't use it as a food item name thanks to this silly crisis.

Why did this man go to _Rolling Stone_? You don't see Beyonce on CSpan. The sad truth is he was bound for flaky behavior, after all his name is simply the Scottish derivative of anything luminescent and light....

...Breaking into song

There are moments when I get so tired of this actor/singer/rapper/wannabe filled town.

These moments happen very often at my health club, where wannabes abound.

People are always ready to network. Sometimes it is just talk. The conversations are always brimming with enthusiasm from the person talking for the person talking, and are articulated with a "down to earth/real" tone and tons of "gangbanger" slang. Gangbanger values have helped so many lives- just ask all the wise old gangbangers living rich, full lives (the ones who weren't shot by age 20-something or aren't stuck CA's overcrowded prisons). Why not reference gangster values in any conversation about success? But then other times, when simply words will not suffice, a song will say what a simple conversation cannot.

Here are some examples of moments (or shall I say windows into the soul) of my fellow exercisers.

A few months ago, there was adult club DJ inside the toilet stall on his phone discussing (loudly) the following songs and how they increased the artistic value of the presented dances.

"So I playing 'BabyMama' [ a song by Fantasia, I think] and it's just solid dude. And then there's 'Ass and Titties' okay, dat is a strip club classic, I mean it's a straight up hit off the charts"

[ I could not determine from my internet search just who originally recorded 'Ass and Titties' apparently it must be like one of those Carole King songs that have been covered so many times one forgets the original artist]

Just the other day I was showering after my swim (thank god everyone gets a private shower)

and a group of men were talking about their singing/rapping/soul legend prospects. This particular conversation had a very musical feeling, and by that I mean they broke into song. The sweet soulful crooning was richly delivered and heartfelt, they crafted an impromptu medley: "I won't pay for pussy [pronounced phussaay] cuz I get pussy for freeeeeee/I got my 40 and my blunt, doin' it gangster style" which was sung in a round. Hopefully these men will get their chance to add to the musical canon, perhaps their songs will be played along with 'Ass and Titties' during a dance performance, then exuberantly discussed in the modern urban salon that is also known as a toilet stall.

Although clearly the locker room is a nexus of artistic expression, impromptu performances can be heard everywhere. on the stretching mats, at the machines. Each heartfelt performance fills me with awkward embarrassment for the person next to me, crooning along with great effort to "La La" by Ashlee Simpson. I wonder if any of these people do get discovered by a casting director or producer, so they have reason to continue their flights into song. If so please let me know what casting director or producer, so I can call their union and grieve them.

...Dating

So I tried to make souffle today but I just ended up crying on the floor when it collapsed. (just kidding, still 0 days, 0 recipes)

First of all, there are all these bad (and a few good ones) gay movies about who men come out because they meet someone whom they fall in love with. For me coming out was an exercise in self-improvement, like organizing my fucking closet (no pun intended). I have dated and had sex many a time since I came out of the closet at 18 years of age, but it is has been little moments of non-pleasure within a sea of isolation.

Gay men have a way of interacting with each other. Most would call it being rude. Now perhaps this may be my lack of appeal. Perhaps I come across all wrong once I am around men. Now if dating were like selling ticket packages over the phone (which should be a hellish job but is actually very enjoyable, as jobs go) then it would be great. I call people all day, enough of them like me that I make a decent living at a job designed for people not to make money. Now somehow I can handle the random population of Los Angeles (at least those who get on the "priority list," and that doesn't take much- sat in section U at the Bowl for $1, shazzam! ) but when it comes to men, I suck.

But let's talk about gay male behaviors, and I don't just mean in the dating realm....Because I see this on my swim team all the time. And in fact I just have learned (which is against my nature) to keep my head down at practice (I mean as much as I am able to keep my head down) and just not talk to anybody, or keep conversation to a minimum. Also I learn not to take it personally when a conversation just stops....again even if I'm not the one to initiate it.

Ignoring whomever you are talking to if someone else you'd rather talk to comes along. Again it doesn't matter if the ignoring party initiated the conversation with you...

But anyway, complaining about a bad date is nothing new. What bothers me in obsessive hindsight about this date is that I was full of self-hatred when I went on this date and so I sat around and during our conversation about working out sounded like some impossible obsessive blowhard, which I am an obsessive blowhard...but I am only because I feel insecure and then I guess he felt insecure so he acted like a jackass once his girlfriend came around (and proceeded to ignore me and just talk to her- I want to note that I was not isolated for the night because she talked to me and we got along just fine). But what is sad I was tired, punchy and insecure so I probably sounded like a bit of jerk, oh who knows.

Anyway, now that the awkward moment of me opening up my bleeding heart over a two hour date that wasn't so hot is over, let me explain my theory of what dating is like. Basically, imagine you took the Mad Max trilogy and placed it backwards (you know, Alejandro González Iñárritu style ) then that is what dating is like.

Now this may sound a bit weird but let me explain. One of the opening scenes of the first Mad Max is Max saying "crazy about you" (or actually making gestures symbolizing it) to his true love, Jessie, before he goes off to a day of car smashing. That is the beginning, later in the trilogy he is single and has to drive a semi full of sand through a barrier of killer gas pirates, then he has to be dunked in pig shit and fight for his life in something that resembles a giant colander with Tina Turner clad in chainmail and hanging by a wire watching over him. Finally being awoken by lost young people clad in leather bikinis and feather dresses, we finish on those lost young people now situated in a bombed out major city telling the same old bad story.

So if you just move that backwards you have dating...

First you hit some dives and meet lost people telling you the same old bad story.

Then you find yourself awoken from a spell by some lost, annoying young thang in leather underwear who thinks you will help them find what they need (even though what they needed never existed).

then you wade through some shit

Then you get trapped in a no win situation by a real bitch.

Then you battle some really nasty people

Then you end up in a tender moment with your soul mate, Australian accent not necessary.

And that, as Forrest Gump says, is all I have to say about that.